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| New poster, long-time lurker
is it time for me to move on? |
| First, my apologies for such a long post ... it being my first one...
I have been a lurker on these boards for the last few months, but reading some of the posts I read today pushed me into action to post & see about getting some advice/outside opinion on my situation. A little about me/my relationship. Im 39 yrs old with a well paying job & no children but several pets (3 dogs, 5 cats Im involved in animal rescue volunteer work, so what can I say?) DH & I have been together for nearly 12 years; married for nearly 6. He was always a heavy drinker, but I originally just chalked it up to him blowing off steam/having a good time. Im also an ACOA, so that clouded the situation for me a bit, too. Anyway, before we got married, I had already started in on him about his drinking, as it was getting worse. He swore to me that he would cut back after we got married. I was the classic codie supporting him when he quit jobs; making the mortgage payments; paying off his car; counting his drinks; etc., etc. Sound familiar? By last Spring, everything just piled up on me again in classic codie mode I was trying to do everything for everyone and I announced I was going to get some therapy to help me deal with things. DH knew I was at the end of my rope & agreed to attend therapy with me. Fast forward a year later
DH dropped out of therapy after a few months. Said he didnt connect with the therapist. He would cut back some on his drinking, but then would slide quickly back into 6 drinking days/week behavior. I continued seeing the therapist on an individual basis & started realizing more & more things about me (vs. focusing on him.) Early this year, after our many discussions around DHs drinking & behavior, my therapist recommended Al-Anon to me. I went to a few meetings, and they were quite an eye-opener to me. At the same time, I started reading Al-anon message boards like this one. This was where I made some real breakthroughs
in reading real-life stories about people in similar situations to mine. After a lot of thinking, I made the decision to move out in Spring of this year. DH was, of course, devastated when I announced - after another drunk night - that I had had enough & was moving out. He tried all the manipulative techniques in the book to get me to stay. Fortunately, my therapist had braced me for what might happen. I stayed strong & moved out.
DH went into individual therapy after we separated & promised to work on his drinking and other issues. He has stuck with his therapist, and we even tried 2 other marriage counselors (who both focused on his drinking.) We talked about him going to AA, but still he continues to drink. He swears its less than before, but it still continues. And, hes still struggling with other issues he committed to change when we separated. Hes sent me love letters, but I felt those really more focused on him than me. He swears his undying love and devotion
But, I dont feel like he really respects me. Despite my continuing to say I dont want to go out drinking with you, he keeps asking me to. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I would cave. Then, I read Melody Beatties CoDependent No More (again at the suggestion of my therapist.) Talk about a light bulb going off! I read him some passages from the book to try & explain to him my codie issues/recovery, and I asked him to help me in my recovery by not pushing my buttons on the things Im working on. He said he would, but then he still asks me repeatedly to go out drinking with him, and I keep turning him down. The one positive out of all that is that the feeling of empowerment I have in saying no is quite a rush!
Anyway, so to sum it up, here it is, 3 months after we separated, and much of the same behavior continues. Many times when we get together, he tries to manipulate me into taking care of him through anger, tears, etc., etc. It gets to the point where I just dont want to see him because its so draining. Yet, were still married, and I still wonder if he can change, and if we can become happy together again. Hes still pushing for reconciliation, but Ive told him that Im not willing to have him move back in until I see concrete, continued evidence of change (which hasnt happened yet.) And, even then, I know itll take me some time to get over past resentments and hurts. Im financially secure; have a good job & a nice place to live; have a good support system of friends (who say I look happier than Ive been in ages); and have been told I hold up very well for a 39 yr. old
So my question is, am I crazy for waiting around for him to change, or should I move on with my life? Or, do I already know the answer but am afraid to say it? Any advice or help you can offer me is greatly appreciated. First, my apologies for such a long post ... it being my first one...
I have been a lurker on these boards for the last few months, but reading some of the posts I read today pushed me into action to post & see about getting some advice/outside opinion on my situation. A little about me/my relationship. Im 39 yrs old with a well paying job & no children but several pets (3 dogs, 5 cats Im involved in animal rescue volunteer work, so what can I say?) DH & I have been together for nearly 12 years; married for nearly 6. He was always a heavy drinker, but I originally just chalked it up to him blowing off steam/having a good time. Im also an ACOA, so that clouded the situation for me a bit, too. Anyway, before we got married, I had already started in on him about his drinking, as it was getting worse. He swore to me that he would cut back after we got married. I was the classic codie supporting him when he quit jobs; making the mortgage payments; paying off his car; counting his drinks; etc., etc. Sound familiar? By last Spring, everything just piled up on me again in classic codie mode I was trying to do everything for everyone and I announced I was going to get some therapy to help me deal with things. DH knew I was at the end of my rope & agreed to attend therapy with me. Fast forward a year later
DH dropped out of therapy after a few months. Said he didnt connect with the therapist. He would cut back some on his drinking, but then would slide quickly back into 6 drinking days/week behavior. I continued seeing the therapist on an individual basis & started realizing more & more things about me (vs. focusing on him.) Early this year, after our many discussions around DHs drinking & behavior, my therapist recommended Al-Anon to me. I went to a few meetings, and they were quite an eye-opener to me. At the same time, I started reading Al-anon message boards like this one. This was where I made some real breakthroughs
in reading real-life stories about people in similar situations to mine. After a lot of thinking, I made the decision to move out in Spring of this year. DH was, of course, devastated when I announced - after another drunk night - that I had had enough & was moving out. He tried all the manipulative techniques in the book to get me to stay. Fortunately, my therapist had braced me for what might happen. I stayed strong & moved out.
DH went into individual therapy after we separated & promised to work on his drinking and other issues. He has stuck with his therapist, and we even tried 2 other marriage counselors (who both focused on his drinking.) We talked about him going to AA, but still he continues to drink. He swears its less than before, but it still continues. And, hes still struggling with other issues he committed to change when we separated. Hes sent me love letters, but I felt those really more focused on him than me. He swears his undying love and devotion
But, I dont feel like he really respects me. Despite my continuing to say I dont want to go out drinking with you, he keeps asking me to. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I would cave. Then, I read Melody Beatties CoDependent No More (again at the suggestion of my therapist.) Talk about a light bulb going off! I read him some passages from the book to try & explain to him my codie issues/recovery, and I asked him to help me in my recovery by not pushing my buttons on the things Im working on. He said he would, but then he still asks me repeatedly to go out drinking with him, and I keep turning him down. The one positive out of all that is that the feeling of empowerment I have in saying no is quite a rush!
Anyway, so to sum it up, here it is, 3 months after we separated, and much of the same behavior continues. Many times when we get together, he tries to manipulate me into taking care of him through anger, tears, etc., etc. It gets to the point where I just dont want to see him because its so draining. Yet, were still married, and I still wonder if he can change, and if we can become happy together again. Hes still pushing for reconciliation, but Ive told him that Im not willing to have him move back in until I see concrete, continued evidence of change (which hasnt happened yet.) And, even then, I know itll take me some time to get over past resentments and hurts. Im financially secure; have a good job & a nice place to live; have a good support system of friends (who say I look happier than Ive been in ages); and have been told I hold up very well for a 39 yr. old
So my question is, am I crazy for waiting around for him to change, or should I move on with my life? Or, do I already know the answer but am afraid to say it? Any advice or help you can offer me is greatly appreciated.
|
| I'm in.(We're in) |
| I love that I found this forum. As far as I see it, we are all trying to accomplish the same goal. Nobody will stand in our way. I got tempted...I won't lie about it...but I'm not weak and all the people I have met on here in the last few days are strength. And that is as special as it gets. I didn't give in. We, all of us, are going to beat this! I can't wait for the weekend. It will show how strong we are. I love that I found this forum. As far as I see it, we are all trying to accomplish the same goal. Nobody will stand in our way. I got tempted...I won't lie about it...but I'm not weak and all the people I have met on here in the last few days are strength. And that is as special as it gets. I didn't give in. We, all of us, are going to beat this! I can't wait for the weekend. It will show how strong we are.
|
| You're Gonna Miss This |
| I cant listen to this song without crying, and yet I still do.
So much we miss out on while drinking and using.
YouTube - Trace Adkins - You're Gonna Miss This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SAFk0j-f4c)
|
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| Bush Administration Opposes Federal Regulation of Tobacco |
| Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Mike Leavitt has informed a House leader that the Bush administration opposes a bill under consideration to allow federal health authorities to regulate tobacco products. |
| All New York Addiction Treatment Centers Go Smoke-Free |
| New anti-smoking regulations that take effect this month for all addiction treatment centers in New York state have some center officials worried that the ban will dissuade some people with alcohol and drug problems from pursuing services. |
| Enforcement Keeps Texas Needle Exchange Program Closed |
| A pilot needle exchange program in Bexar County, Texas, has not been able to operate since last year because of legal advisories issued by local and state prosecutors, and a case against three individuals who formerly distributed needles to addicts in San Antonio is not expected to be resolved until next year. |
| Massachusetts May Outlaw Salvia |
| As state legislators in Massachusetts move toward a scheduled July 31 adjournment, sponsors of a bill that would outlaw the hallucinogenic herb salvia are hopeful that the measure will receive a floor vote before the session's end. |
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